Long, long ago, I worked for a respectable publication in Manhattan and was only marginally financially independent and I wore a single-digit pants size and I put on makeup every day and I styled my hair and I strutted around the office wearing heels. Heels!
But now I am lazy and depressed and don’t really have things in my life that demand much of me and I no longer seem to demand much of myself. Whoops! It recently (nope! it has been months) got to the point where I stopped wearing anything but yoga pants or, on fancy days, old H&M leggings with holes in the crotch, to my job where I work for real American dollars. People have noticed. Today I actually wore actual jeans because I wanted to be my best self (just kidding y’all, it was laundry day! And ignore how sad it is that jeans, to me, are ambitious) but I had to unbutton them after a couple hours because I cannot be a victim of what a friend of mine recently declared “the oppression of tight pants.” It’s not too big a deal, I think, because I am still wearing a horribly baggy brown sweatshirt that covers most of my body and that is from Forever 21 but that I purchased second-hand.
Anyway, it got so bad that Katie basically told me I had to wear makeup on the weekends or I couldn’t sit next to her at the bar anymore. And she was absolutely right! Now, I’m not willing, at this juncture, to stop generally phoning things in; but I do happen to have eyes that take up half my face (there is a Facebook group dedicated to how much I look like a baby seal) which means that with very little input I can look as though I have put on rather dramatic makeup. Praises be!
Which leads us (is anyone still here?) to my favorite new makeup trick: just to apply some white eyeliner to your lower waterline (obviously I didn’t know what that word meant until I watched Jane Marie’s eyeliner tutorial on The Hairpin, which should already have changed your life and if it hasn’t I’m jealous of you because you have so much still ahead of you). And you look in the mirror and you think, “Wow, I look so beautiful and my eyes are so big and bright and I look engaged and excited and not depressed or crazy at all!” And then you put on a little mascara (or, like, actual complete makeup if that is who you are) and head out to meet up with your blind date from OK Cupid (pending future review).
I personal rock Prestige eyeliners because I don’t like to spend money and I shop for makeup at Fred Meyer (news flash: Target does not carry Prestige Cosmetics! #OccupyTarget). Prestige does the job, but I also bring it out with me for when it fades a little or I find I’ve cried a bit at the bar (not on my date, just FYI; a different time). If you have different/better taste, by all means go with your instincts. Just make sure that every time you head to the ladies’ room, you tilt your head forward in a sexy way and bat your eyes at your reflection. I guarantee: the impact is dazzling.
If you were wondering what I’ve been up to recently, this is it.